The other day I sat in the car a good hour and a half, listening to hits of the 2000's. Songs from the time I was 8 to 17. And every word of every song, I knew instantly--I don't know whether to be proud or embarrassed. And with each song came a time and a place, a phase in life. I'm sure all of you can relate. You've got that rap phase, the upbeat pop when everything is going right, the depressing country songs or red jumpsuit apparatus lyrics, oh my gosh lady antebellum just got me--so on and so forth, don't deny it. There were songs that corresponded with the boys I liked at the time, the events that I attended, each school I went to, road trips I went on, each summer night and each bitterly cold winter and every memory--every song just took me back to a time and place. And it's crazy to think that our memories work like that. How so many emotions can be triggered by just a few words, tunes, or action.
So lately I've been thinking about it all, about how it all fits together. Every move, every school I attended, trips I took, boys I dated- or boys I didn't date because honestly I haven't dated that many, every decision I ever made, all fits together like a puzzle, even if we don't see it at the time. Sometimes we get so caught up in the whys and how comes of everything. And it is a hundred percent alright to question things, as long as we are okay with the fact that we might not get an answer, or we might not get the answer we want. But in the midst of all the questioning, I for one forget that it's all a puzzle that eventually will make a big picture, and it will all fit together just as puzzles should.
It's so hard though, seeing and being okay with that sometimes. We all have different struggles and sometimes it feels like it won't ever get better, and it's okay to think that, its part of the process. I have been blessed with such an amazing life, and I will be the first to admit that the hardships that I have had are so so minor in comparison to other people's. But life gets to you. It gets to everybody, it doesn't matter who you are. It still gets overwhelming. Your problems in life become major for you at that point in time, because well, it is your life, and everything and every little moment does make a difference for you despite what you or other people may think. I find myself focusing on so many things I want to do. So many places I want to see, so many things I want to be a part of, so many dreams and so many expectations. And I guess thats not a bad thing, I'm wanting to live life to its fullest. That's all anyone ever wants really, is to have everything that makes your life feel full. But I am so guilty when it comes to wanting all of these things so bad and so fast, that I lose track of the now. I have such high expectations sometimes that I end up disappointing myself and letting myself down. The people around me I'm sure can see that. I talk and talk about the future, how I want to have and decorate my own home--my Pinterest board is kind of embarrassing when it comes to things like that--how i want a dog and to travel the world, plan and have this beautiful wedding and a man by my side, to love and experience life together, and how I want to be this amazing photographer and designer, how I want to have a job I love and little kiddos, and all of a sudden I catch myself rushing through life and here I am, still twenty years old. And not even rushing through it, because half of the time I just sit here thinking about rushing through life but I'm not even taking the steps or enjoying and appreciating the steps I am taking in order to get there.
I've been in this rut lately where I feel like I'm going nowhere. Every body gets it and if you don't, boy am I jealous. That no matter what I do or try to accomplish, it's not enough and it's a waste of time. And wasting time isn't something I like doing. But then here I am in these ruts, and I end up sitting here wasting time just thinking about how much I hate wasting time, like what is that?? That doesn't even make sense!! It's just this vicious cycle that I have had such a hard time breaking lately. And here's a moment of truth-- it's like I'm afraid that if I don't get it all done now, that if I don't say or do everything that I want to right now, I'm never going to have the chance. That I'm going to lose someone, something, or that chance. I'm always so careful about when I say things and when I plan things in order to ensure these things, and I'm losing time amongst it all. I'm losing time, and I'm losing doing what I actually enjoy doing--in a large sense I'm losing myself. And it's true, those cliche sayings where there's no better time than now, and opportunities may only present themselves once, "if not now, then when?", and the list goes on and on. But I think we, myself especially, have begun to take those to extremes. It's so undeniably true, there isn't enough time in the day to do everything I want to do, see everything I want to see, but another day will come. So slow, slow down. Recognize the steps you're taking. The time is going to pass anyways.
We sit here and look at other people's lives at our age, or even younger for that matter. We see how much they have accomplished and belittle ourselves to no end. And what we forget to realize when we are making ourselves so small in comparison, is that we each have our own timeline, our pieces of life that fit together differently in different ways. If God wanted us to all be successful at the age of 20, be married at the age of 21, have kids by the age of 23, we wouldn't even need to be here. We wouldn't even need to have the ability to choose and make decisions like we do. If we were all supposed to fit in one singular timeline of events, we all would know why we were here and where we were going--what is the point of that then? I do, I get anxious and start having panic attacks when I can't find enough time in the day to travel the world and get back by five o clock when work starts, it's just who I am. But here's the thing. There will be a time and a place for everything-as common as that is to say. Doors will open and doors will close-- I have seen that first hand, but for whatever reason we each choose to live life in a certain way that we do, and it will work, the pieces will fit together. You're going to lose yourself and find yourself a couple of times along the way, change your mind and wish things had gone differently on countless occasions. I wish so many times that I would have done things differently, not counted on people so much, not spent money on that thing, majored in this, not had such high expectations, had been more decisive, so many things I wish I could change. But it is such a waste of time to wish things the other way around and you begin to just make yourself unhappy with all the what if's. And who knows, if I could and did go back and change those things that I always say I wish I could, who knows where I would be. I'm gonna go ahead and say and trust one hundred percent that its somewhere where I'm glad I'm not today. I wouldn't want to be anywhere different, and had I made different decisions, guaranteed I would be somewhere else.
So words for myself to live by more than anything, get out of bed, stop waiting around and pressing the snooze button or wishing that the next day will come. Slow down, take some risks, be honest and have patience. If things are meant to stay and if things are meant to be and you're doing everything in your power to ensure that, then so be it. Love it while they are there or they will find a way to leave. I have been blessed with an amazing, supportive, and unbelievably strong, loving family and parents who have given me everything I have to be thankful for, a roof above my head, the opportunity to attend school and further my education even though half of the time I hate the minutes I'm there (natural though), a sweet, patient, and undeniably perfect boyfriend, supportive friends that listen to my rants and who are always there that I wouldn't trade anything for, and opportunities I still can't believe I had. So find the blessings in everything you come across, start being who you want to be, and trust that behind the scenes everything is working to fit together some day.
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